The Wife surprised me by inviting me to have lunch together today. As soon as she asked, I knew something was up. She wanted to talk about something, but wouldn’t say what it was. That’s always a sign to grab my wallet and hold on to it because something expensive is either broken or desired.

Of course I’m also very intrigued when this situation occurs, which isn’t very often. My wife doesn’t like keeping secrets or having big reveals. She very much speaks her mind and lets the chips fall wherever they may. I love that about her. No beating around the bush. No trying to read her mind. No lies. It’s awesome, I’m a very lucky man because of this.

So, color me highly intrigued when she asked if I had lunch plans so we could “talk.” I didn’t have plans, unless you consider eating last night’s leftovers “plans.” Lunch was on.

We met at a local Pei Wei for some yummy food. I always end up with their honey seared chicken and edamame. It’s my go-to Pei Wei meal.

pei-wei-honey-seared-chicken-md
Pei Wei’s Honey Seared Chicken is always a good choice for a serious conversation.

Anyway, we sit down after ordering and I ask her, “What do you need to tell me?” I have no idea what to expect in response and she has the most serious look on her face.

She proceeds to explain that she has agreed to host her company’s holiday party at our house the weekend after Thanksgiving.

WHAT THE FUCK?

This means 20 to 50 of her co-workers, and their guests, will be running through my house for their Holiday Party. Holy shit! Ya know, I would have like to have been consulted with on this one, which is exactly what I told her.

She tells me that if nobody stepped up, her company wouldn’t have had any sort of party at all. So, she felt like it was the right thing to do. As one of the executives, she’s trying to “lead the way” and help improve the team’s morale (they’ve had a bad year).  Awesome (full sarcasm in effect). Of course I tell her that it’s a great idea (it isn’t) and that I’m 100% behind her (I’m not).

This is going to be a disaster. We’re leaving town to visit some relatives for Thanksgiving, so we have minimal time to prepare, or even set out holiday decorations. Which presents another area of concern. Her company is fully invested in supporting diversity and not excluding anyone, which is very noble and I fully support. However, I have to ask, does that mean that by putting up our typical Christmas decorations we’ll be making someone who isn’t Christian feel excluded? Should we not decorate at all? Crap! What’s the protocol in this situation? She didn’t know the answer, but said she’d check with HR to see what is acceptable. Yeah, so it’s highly likely that I won’t be allowed to put up my Christmas lights because it might offend the delicate sensibilities of one of my wife’s co-workers who will be visiting my house for 3 hours in early December.

Why couldn’t they just go bowling like a normal company? My department is going bowling. Everyone will drink too much, eat too much, and have a fabulous time. Her company has to be different. Instead, I’m going to have complete strangers infiltrating my sanctuary, defiling my private bathroom, and doing who knows what in our guest bedroom. The dogs will freak. The cats will freak. The kids will have to be shipped off to the grandparents.

What sort of hell did my wife get us into? Maybe I can stay with the grandparents too. Will that work? She can run this whole thing herself, right?

Oh well, the one bright spot is that she said the company is paying for the food and drinks. So, maybe these moochers will leave a little honey baked ham for me to enjoy into December. I don’t think they’ll notice the bottle of single malt scotch I’ll sneak away into my private stash.

I’ll post an update after the party. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I’m envisioning. I’m definitely activating the surveillance cameras to catch anyone doing naughty things. Maybe I’ll get a good video I can post!!!

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