Is everybody else’s kid having to participate in fundraisers this month? The Kids each have their own fundraisers to pimp out this month and several other people at work have brought in different sheets begging for money.

Why? Can the schools really make that much money off the kids? I’d much prefer the school or teacher just tell me that they need X dollars instead of going through this charade of having the kids learn the value of hard work by raising money for the latest field trip. Tell me how much you need and I’ll get my checkbook. Better yet, let me pay by credit card so I can earn miles while supporting the school! Anything is better than this painful scheme to raise money.

My kids can’t be the only ones who sell almost exclusively to their parents, grandparents, and neighbors. Sure, I bring the sheets in to work and make a very halfhearted attempt to sell cookie dough, wrapping paper, books, or other items to my coworkers. But really, I’m not breaking anyone’s balls trying to get them to buy crap. If I did that, then they would expect me to buy their kid’s shit, which ain’t happening! Do you know how mad The Wife gets when I tell her I bought a few boxes of Girl Scout Cookies without her approval? Oh man, it’s been months since that happened and I still get grief about it!

To be honest, selling the stuff isn’t the worst. That comes when the shit arrives and you have to play Santa. Invariably the order is wrong and someone bitches about only getting two boxes of chocolate chip cookie dough, instead of the three they thought they ordered. Or, an item arrives broken! ACK! That’s a bad situation because nobody provides any guidance on how to exchange or return something. If you’re lucky, you happen to have ordered the same thing and can swap out your perfectly fine item with their broken one. Or, you sacrifice one of your boxes of chocolate chip cookie dough to keep Norman the Neighbor happy.

No matter how you slice it, everyone ends up pissed off in this situation. The kids get mad because someone else’s dad is a heart surgeon and bought a record number rolls of wrapping paper so Junior can be the top seller in the school & win a $50 teddy bear. The parents get mad because they have to cart the shit around and make deliveries. The schools lose because they’re getting screwed on the kickback percent or the little nose miners didn’t sell enough crap to cover the cost of the field trip to the aquarium. Coworkers get pissed because nothing ever arrives correctly or complete. Neighbors get pissed because you never spend as much as their order when their brats come around pimping something. Grandma gets upset because she forgot she ordered 10 boxes of butter braids and doesn’t have freezer space. Now she has to throw something away that she paid a good $4 for when it was on sale at the market six months ago. Or was it 6 years? She can never remember.

The only person I know who is a winner in this whole situation is Grandpa. Grandpa makes out like a bandit because now Grandma is a cookie/butter braid-baking fiend. He is the only winner in this whole situation. Lemme tell you, it’s good to be Grandpa!